Increasingly disappointed with myself.

So, what did I do this weekend? Not much, besides cleaning up a little and coding up a little more.

And making plans and dreaming. Oh, dreaming. My life is but an impossible dream that wants to eat me alive and away from the Real World.

Why am I so afraid of the Real World? Because it's always so different from my imaginary floating little world I called "¿Órbita?" the last time?


That comic shouldn't have been written in the first place. If so, I shouldn't have included myself in there. Back in 2000, I sketched out a glorious story that could have been the backstory of the Chuchunco City fighting game. And it would have been so, but instead I blended it with my own little world of that time.

My already agonizing own little world of that time. Yeah, the death sentence was written in February 1999. Wrong address. Like, you never thought I was actually going to visit you for real, did you? Am I *that* scary, or it was just that you didn't like me anymore? Well, anyways, distance and misunderstanding killed whatever was that long-distance relationship to become. By 2001 it was pretty much dead already. I kept chasing that little dream but, at the other side of the Maule river, the feelings weren't returned.

I shouldn't have clinged to that impossible dream for that long. Comic after comic, dream after dream... had I never put my eyes on that lovely classmate last year, I'd be still hopelessly chasing the other girl. I remember when I started getting tired of the comic, and my drawings began losing their life. I eventually exploded and said:

" No, this is stupid and pointless. I don't want to be trapped in this living hell anymore. Please, God. If I'm not going to meet that girl again, if there's no point in this dreaming, please, let me forget her. "

And it happened. The comic stopped being updated and, next thing I remember, was meeting that classmate at the subway. Yeah... another dream...


FOOL! I should have looked at *myself* before ever looking at her. I knew her for a while and, while we weren't very close, we still got along nicely. She even got cameo-ed at that comic, alongside two other classmates. And well, I liked her. Not only she was beautiful as a doll; she was also responsible, neat, kind, nice, smart and a bit shy. Like, pretty much everything I looked for in a girl, and more.

But what did *I* have to offer to her? How the heck would I have been able to win her heart? That question should have popped in my mind _before_ I ever approached her. If I knew the answer... I think she would have never found out that I liked her more than "yet another classmate".

I've got nothing, folks. Besides that "thing" with that girl from the south, my latest attempt at approaching a girl "that way" dated to 1992. One thousand, nine hundred, ninety FREAKING two. Yeah, folks. I lost my youth, the time I should have learned all those tips and tricks. Plus, I've got no paternal guiding hand to help me. Like that.

Yet I still tried to approach that classmate. And failed miserably. And committed what I call the worst mistake of my life. And I failed to acknowledge it in time for another try. Instead, I got depressed and cried, then acted like a fool and... well, I screwed things up. And when I realized my mistake, it was too late.


Months later, I'm here, right after ruining yet another little chance I had to apologize and try to win her friendship back. Well, that was two weeks ago, and I gave up on her.

Like heck I did. I think I still love her. In fact, I dreamed about her last night. I still fantasize about crying over her desk at a classroom and begging her another chance. But I know I don't have the heart to ask her for that. I didn't have the heart last time I called her. I know she'd rather not. She doesn't like me. How I'm going to convince her otherwise? Not over the phone.

I'm not desperate for a girl. In fact, this is decidedly NOT the right time for me for a relationship. Perhaps it's just a matter of time, and I'm eventually going to keep coming back to her, no matter how much she rejects me... Until she eventually decides to forgive me and give me another chance...

I should give up already, don't I?